Forgive

I had everything that I needed for my plans. I had collected the syringe, rope, tazer, and the powerful hallucinogenic, LSD. I had been on a week long drug binge. My partner and I set out from Seattle, Washington and began driving to Phoenix, Arizona to carry out the torturous revenge of a man that rightly deserved the hell that I was bringing him. I had thought of different ways to torture him for thirteen years and I was finally going to make him pay for the pain that he had caused me and my siblings. Fortunately, we ran out of gas on the way and sat idle at a rest stop on the side of a highway. I praise God that this happened because I sobered up and began to see the foolishness in the plans that I had made for Nathan. After asking people for change so that we could gas up our van, we made it to Phoenix, but instead of hunting down my prey I sought something else, heroin. I was sober and could not bear the pain. I had been locked in a prison within my soul and I thought that there was no way out. The resentment that I held within me controlled every decision that I had made up until this point, including almost killing someone for a brief moment of satisfaction. I had been harboring years of pain because I had never been taught about forgiveness.
To forgive is not to be confused with being forgiven. Forgiving is an action that takes work and courage. The one forgiven must simply receive it, and hopefully show some gratitude. According to The American Heritage Dictionary, forgive means “to excuse for a fault or an offense, to renounce anger or resentment against, or to absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).” It sounds so easy when read from the pages of a dictionary, but I don’t always want to do all those things for someone who has wronged me. Shall I share with you my greatest challenge in forgiveness? Though I didn’t want to forgive, I was convicted by the Holy Spirit to forgive another as God forgave me. It was a difficult choice I made, and not based on my feelings. First, I had to re-learn the meaning of “forgive” and apply it to my life. Then, I had to revisit my savior, Jesus, and try to understand the ultimate act of forgiveness He showed for me on the Cross.
Perhaps you are saying that your enemy is beyond your ability to forgive. Once, I felt the same way. After being thrown into the state foster care system, my two siblings and I were adopted by a very sick man. For one hellish year, we were victims of sexual abuse at the hands of a man who was supposed to be our protector. We were subjected to daily abuse in the sickest, most sadistic ways. After being freed from this man, we continued to shuffle through unsuitable foster homes. I entered into another prison, one filled with hate and rage that held me captive for sixteen years. My enemy committed the offense not just once, but repeatedly. How could I forgive and completely cancel the debt that I thought he owed me? I certainly didn’t want to excuse him and renounce my anger, as the definition above would have called me to do. I wanted revenge, and I continued to hold him accountable while I waited for him to be humiliated or terribly hurt so that I could be there to laugh in his face. The resentment that I held against him and all my other enemies hurt me more than it hurt them. The anger and rage restricted my actions and decisions in life. I isolated myself from all people, turned to drugs and alcohol that held me in bondage, and dropped out of high school. Do all of these things sound like a worthy price to pay for un-forgiveness and for keeping anger and resentment?
When I finally learned to forgive, I experienced a freedom that I did not know existed. After becoming a Christian, I began breaking free of drugs and alcohol with God’s help. I tried to forgive this man, but it didn’t work. Then someone said, “You can forgive him and still be mad at him.” So I tried it. This made things worse, as it seemed to justify my anger and allowed it to rage out of control. As I sought answers in prayer, God rescued me by sending a mentor to help me understand forgiveness. God began to show me what He did on the Cross. God showed me that Jesus died for this man; He even loved him just like He loved me. This hurt at first and was hard to accept. Then I began to see my own state of bondage. God could help me, but I had to choose to forgive. Finally, shaking and trembling, I forgave Nathan. The chains were broken and I could begin experiencing freedom in my life.
Whatever the offense, sometimes we must pray for strength to forgive, and ask God to give us the desire to forgive the person. I learned that it was not okay to remain angry at the offender. Anger breeds hate and puts you right back to square one: you owe me and I want you to pay for what you’ve done. That doesn’t sound like the meaning of forgiveness I mentioned before. On the other hand, forgiveness should not be mistaken for complete restoration (only God is capable of doing that). I do believe that it is possible to remain hurt by the person’s actions, and to perhaps not trust them the same way, if at all. Also, sometimes the other person may not receive the forgiveness, or even care that you were upset with them. In a lot of cases, learning to forgive is for our own personal healing and growth.
As I forgive old enemies and offenses, I must continue to focus on God as new hurts and situations may enter my life. When I see what Jesus did on the Cross, I am amazed at his love and sacrifice. We were his enemies, and he willingly died to save us.[1] I feel ashamed because I struggle to forgive one person when Jesus forgave all people in the past, present, and future. His selfless act really gives me a perspective on what it means to forgive. It requires a difficult self-examination of the heart. Jesus tells us that we are to forgive just as He forgave us[2]; he said to “love your enemy.”[3] Because Jesus forgave me out of love, I had to learn to forgive out of love. When I looked at my heart, I struggled (still do) to move beyond my self-centered state and do what Jesus commanded. I don’t believe this love is the same love that we experience with our parents, spouses, or children. Rather, it is a love for another person’s heart that is just as corrupt and broken as my own. I am a hypocrite if I hold an offense against someone after being forgiven for my many offenses against my neighbor, and many more against God. Forgiveness is something we must do, and it is something we decide to do.
There is freedom in forgiveness. Even God knew this. That is why He sent His son. So, when you protest that forgiving hurts too much, remember the agonizing pain that Christ suffered to set us free. It cost Jesus to forgive us, but the freedom that was gained from His death was worth every drop of blood. It is worth shedding tears and living selflessly to experience the freedom of living in God’s grace.
[1] Rom 5:10 (NIV)
[2] Col 3:13 (NIV)
[3] Matt 5:44 (NIV)

Though this is a true story, no real names have been used.