Suited for Battle

This was written in response to the, The Knight in Rusty Armor, Psych class spring 2005.

I can relate in many ways to the man in The Knight in Rusty Armor because I also have a suit of “armor” that protects me from emotional vulnerability. Growing up in an unpleasant and harsh environment, I developed coping mechanisms in response to emotional hurts. I used addictive/self-destructive behavior to help me escape from the unpleasant reality of poverty. While it was easy to acquire the armor, it has been a long journey to free myself of its constraints. I should begin by telling you how I received my armor. I began acquiring it from a very young age.
No one chooses their family relations, and the rejection I experienced very early in life gave me my first layer of armor. My birth mother was married at twelve; by the time she was seventeen, she had three children. She was too young to be a responsible parent, and I was taken from her when I was two and placed into state custody. I moved from foster home to foster home, never experiencing the parental love and acceptance I saw in other kids’ relationships. In three of these homes, I endured multiple forms of abuse ranging from moderate to severe. In my youth and ignorance, I believed my mother had given me up to endure abuse. In response, I withdrew out of fear and anger at the people around me.
At this young age, my first suit of armor was strictly for protection from grown-ups. It consisted of an emotionless quiet boy who simply complied and tried to draw as little attention to himself as possible. I knew that these “grownups” used my emotions to manipulate and lie to me. So I showed no emotion, no matter what the circumstance.
By the age of eight I knew that I would never have a “normal life” with parents. I isolated myself and came to the conclusion that I would be alone the rest of my life. The isolation became another layer of armor. I believed that as long as I didn’t get close to anyone, they couldn’t hurt me and I wouldn’t disappoint them. I made very few friends, and even those select few were kept at an arms length. I was a loner by the age of thirteen.
I also began smoking marijuana and drinking around the same age. Unlike others who try drugs to seek acceptance by peers, none of my friends were users at this age. I liked drugs because it made the ugliness of my life not matter. Drugs provided instant gratification and masked the depressed hopeless teenager that I had become. By the time I was sixteen, my armor was permanently stuck as a part of me.
I had no intention of removing any of this armor as the years went on. I spiraled into an abyss of drugs and alcohol, and I didn’t intend to make it out alive. For many years, I kept anyone that I knew at arms-length. I purposefully used sarcastic, angry, or hurtful comments until they could not be around me any longer. When strangers met me, they saw what looked like a kind loving person. I seemed calm, quiet, and accepting of others. This was true to a certain degree; I did care about others, perhaps too much. But as people got closer to me, I couldn’t allow them to hurt me or change me. I would begin to attack any close personal relationship. The spontaneity and suddenness of my shift in attitude confused everyone. Finally, if the hurtfulness of my words did not work, I would retreat and disappear.
By the time I was twenty-two, I had moved far away from anyone who cared about me and took refuge in Seattle, Washington. One night, I purposely increased the amount of heroin I used in an attempt to end my existence in an evil world. Strung out and not knowing night from day, I waited for death to pick me up and comfort me. Instead, I was picked up by Federal Drug Enforcement Administrators, and charged with conspiracy to distribute LSD. I was sitting in a federal prison twenty-four hours later. It was the beginning of my nightmarish journey of sobering up “cold turkey”.
In prison, I saw just how thick and cold my armor had really become and I made a decision to try and remove it. Like Sam, the character in Knight, it would not budge. I came to know a power that is greater than me, and I surrendered my life to Jesus. Though I served two long years in prison, the only armor that I removed was my use of drugs/alcohol. Similar to Sam, I also rested to regain my strength for the road ahead.
I began counseling shortly after my release. After seeing numerous psychologists and psychiatrists, I was told that I had psychological disorders because of what I experienced as a child. This made me even more depressed and hopeless. I was given a barrage of medications to use, and found that they added to all my armor. I knew this couldn’t be the only answer, and I began to seek Christian counsel. God introduced me to my modern day Merlin; he helped me be free from my rusty armor. I shed a lot of tears and prayed for strength, and like the book, the armor slowly came off. I also had to learn who I was, and not be afraid of becoming that person.
It has not been easy, and I occasionally find myself wearing chain mail. However, I am married now, and my wife lets me know when I am wearing a random piece of armor I have acquired. For example, meeting people is still hard for me. It has recently come to my attention that I use my moustache and goatee as armor. It gives me more confidence around other people, since I sometimes experience anxiety when meeting strangers. I force myself to meet new people every week. When I can’t, my wife takes me by the hand and helps me. I am glad that I have her.
Recently, my Merlin has prompted me to be quiet and listen. It feels similar to the nights that Sam spent in the Castle of Silence. I have tuned off news-talk radio, unnecessary web use, and television. This is a very hard task but it showed me just how much I used them to escape or procrastinate. In the silence, I have to start listening to myself and The LORD, which is not always fun. Though I do not know when all of my armor will be fully removed, I know I am going in the right direction. It took some time to put the armor in place, and I suspect that it will take a while to fully remove. I know that I like the person under the armor a lot more. (So do my family and friends) This encourages me to keep the armor off.